I always thought of guilt as something that was wrapped up in my catholic upbringing plus entangled with regrets. I also saw it as something I couldn’t quite get to grips with as it had so much emotional content. And, as emotions can be messy and  difficult to deal with, so instead I avoided them as best I could. Or when they did wave a red flag, I just went back into my head, rationalised a logical answer and tried to get on with life. If you do something similar then I am sure you are aware this does not bring you peace of mind or get a good result. The rational mind will of course try to get you out of trouble by coming up with a quick fix, which often means avoiding solving the underlying cause.

As a result of my business leadership and personal journey I came to realise that there is a depth of wisdom that comes from being aware of and acknowledging the power of emotions. It inspires me when others in Peer to Peer Leadership coaching forums also tune into this, and as a result we get much more satisfying insights that give us a greater understanding of what is emerging.

 Two sides of our values and both cause guilt

One key learning I got from studying psychology is the idea that guilt is a displacement of our values. If we have a strong value around helping people and fail to do so then we can feel guilty. But if our values change and we develop a strong value around allowing others make their own mistakes then if we revert to type and step in to help them, we can equally experience guilt. However, without an awareness of why we feel guilt we can experience regrets which has a negative impact on out ability to make more effective decisions as we lack clarity and spend too much time in over analysis and 2^nd guessing ourselves.

The material for this blog arose from a challenge a forum participant put to the group about being contented with his achievements and living in the now. As a result of the answers to the questions he was asked,  one of his peers when giving his feedback observed that he picked up a sense of guilt the case giver had from not always making the right decisions.

This observation resonated with all 7 other business leaders who agreed they often experience  a sense of guilt  or regrets if they did not achieve expectation’s they put on themselves or if they do not live up to a value that often does not serve them.

The following insights emerged from the discussion and the case givers feedback at a follow up session when he said that the biggest benefit he got from the session was to be at peace with his past which he said has led to a more relaxed approach to life.

• You don’t have to be perfect to be a good leader. Sharing the decision making process with your peers in the business benefits everyone including yourself.
• One of the best ways to relieve yourself of the stress of any regrets is to see your life and leadership journey as perfect because you could not have gained the wisdom you have without the mistakes you made in the past.
• Try to see that everyone has much the same challenges as you and while you might think they have life sorted, this is never the case.
• At the end of each day reflect more on what you have achieved rather than what is still outstanding from your to do list,
• Reflect that while you will always be a work in progress, you are always making progress provided you switch off the ‘ I should have’ regret feeling/thought.
• Your best decisions come from a combination of your head, heart and gut. You will rarely make a decision you regret when you connect with all three.

How do you deal with any feelings of guilt or regrets you may have experienced in the past?