What do you do when the perceived solution to a very challenging problem may cause as much strife as the problem itself is causing?

Throughout my life, I avoided conflict like the plague. I believed in keeping the peace at all costs even when deep down I knew this was not the real solution. On the surface, this approach worked very well and my easy-going, placid leadership style got the results the business needed at that time. However, in hindsight, I realise that if I had had the tools and emotional intelligence I have since developed, then the results would have been much better and I would have suffered less stress and anxiety trying to keep the peace!

In facilitating peer-to-peer leadership coaching forums I have realised that this peacemaker-at-all-costs approach is part of being human and that many leaders face the same challenges. To be human is to experience emotion. When I’m faced with a difficult conversation with someone, I feel a lot of emotion – stress, anxiety, perhaps anger, maybe hurt, sometimes righteousness – and I’m also at some level concerned for the other person’s feelings. What would be really helpful in these circumstances – and this is what you get with peer-to-peer coaching – is a person or people who have no emotional attachment to the people involved or the outcome to help me work out how best to handle it. In this circumstance, the wisdom that can be gained from being able to tease out the people issues that often involve key stakeholders is mind blowing. Over a number of recent forums, these challenges have emerged. I’ve summarised below the learning and insights that we all gained from processing this fascinating topic.

Prevention is better than cure

• At the very outset of a project or working arrangement, get agreement in writing as to what each person’s rights and responsibilities are.  
• Assume the worst will happen if the relationship does not work out. Cover as many eventualities as possible in the agreement and don’t be afraid to make unspoken thoughts explicit. Have a legal document for key business relationships, especially those that involve either equity or the protection of intellectual property, and especially where family members are involved.
• If possible, involve the other side in constructing the contract; otherwise you may get a verbal yes and a mental no. This is often a recipe for stored resentment.
• Finally, trust your gut and don’t ignore signals that tell you this relationship may not work out. Apply this to recruitment and promotion situations as well.

When the relationship breaks down

• Do what you think is right and block out the noise of those who have any vested interest even if that is only to gossip about the breakdown.
• Be willing to tease out the problem from all points of view. Do this preferably with some peers who have no emotional attachment to the outcome, rather than just the legal eagles.
• While committing to solving the issue to your satisfaction, it is very important to have empathy for the other person’s situation. You can be both supportive of the other side as well as totally committed to supporting your own and the business’s needs.
• You can best do this when you have developed a level of emotional detachment often referred to as equanimity. One person put this as more achievable after you have had the opportunity to vent, as in express your feelings, especially frustration and anger, without being judged for having these emotions.
• It is totally normal to have anxiety around tackling the situation as well as the potential fallout. The more you are aware of and accepting of your own emotions the better you will be at tackling the situation.
• If possible, role-play the other person’s needs, personality and emotional attachment to their point of view and get someone you trust to role-play your side. Then switch sides. This exercise will give you a valuable insight into the other person’s situation and equally some new perspectives into your own. If you can convey this understanding, they are likely to start trying to understand your side. This is the basis for a win-win outcome.
• Trying to please everyone is exhausting; doing all of the above will help you maintain the energy and focus you need to both facilitate and negotiate a good outcome.
• Let desire for a win-win rather than fear of the process lead your emotions. If this is something you really need, you will fight for it. Trust it will work out like everything else in your life has.
• It’s ok to be out of your comfort zone. See the prize as not only resolving the situation but contributing to your own leadership growth.

What methodologies and approaches have best served you in handling these difficult people issues we all encounter in life? How might some of the insights above help you to fine-tune your style?