While driving home from attending a recent peer-to-peer leadership coaching session, I had time to reflect on the huge benefits of sharing where we’re at with like-minded people. As we all went our separate ways at the end of our day together there was a clear sense that we had moved through many similar issues and we had new tools to meet the challenges we faced.

How had we managed to make such progress during our few hours together, I asked myself.  One obvious answer was that we provided a mirror for each other, which let us see what we can’t see from the ‘inside’ perspective. This mirror lets us see around the blind spots in our thinking.

As I reflected on the various case studies we’d worked through, I noticed how we got to a place where something magical happened for all of us. Something so simple and so powerful you wonder why we don’t devote far more time in schools, families, workplaces, communities, etc. to nourishing and nurturing it.

I’m talking here about being willing to listen to others – without the compulsion to ‘fix’ them, ‘save’ them or ‘sort them out’.

I now realise some of the huge benefits of being listened to by others are that we feel seen and heard, and we feel acknowledged for who we are and how well we are doing despite our own negative views of our progress.

And of course there are other enormous benefits of listening actively; for example, when we fully listen to others we are guided to the right questions to ask, questions that will give them the opportunity to discover their own ability to find the best solutions.

But…

Here’s where we as humans are seriously challenged, where we all slip into ‘authority’ mode, and where we can sabotage the great benefits peer-to-peer leadership coaching offers.

We have unlearned how to listen deeply to each other.

Instead of giving our full and undivided attention to what the other person is saying, far too often we feel compelled to dole out unsolicited advice. And the message we send out to someone with our ‘advice’ – however well-intended – is that we don’t think they are capable of solving their own problems.

So, how do we listen deeply to each other instead of rushing to give advice? Knowing what listening is NOT is a good place to start and Simon Sinek’s thought on this will help us do just that: “There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.”

As someone who spent decades leading and managing, in other words, constantly giving out advice, it’s now taking me quite some time to re-cultivate my listening skills and abandon notions of a superior vantage point.

Here are 3 simple strategies I’m learning to improve the quality of my conversations.

1. Let’s start with our human anatomy. We have TWO ears and ONE mouth, i.e. remind yourself of that ratio next time you want to speak!

• Know the difference and practise the difference between ‘listening’ and ‘hearing’.

‘Hearing’ refers to the sounds that automatically come to us. While ‘listening’ requires us to pay full attention to what is being said and how it is being said, i.e. we must become active listeners to not just the words but also the body language, tone of voice, silences, etc.

• Resist all temptations to interrupt – no matter how much you believe you know what needs to be said, or not said. You actually don’t know! Instead, listen and allow the question to surface that could direct the person to their solution and ask your question after they have finished speaking.

By listening and asking the ‘right’ question we are helping the other get a clearer picture of what they need to do and how they can implement the changes they are ready to make.

Deep, active listening. That’s how we make peer-to-peer leadership coaching a truly magical experience!

This blog was written by Carmel Finnan whose company is called Story Dialogue  https://storydialogue.com